Dreamer

Dreamer

Hi my lovelies! Spooniecorn here. So today is a very special post because I didn't write it myself! My beautifully amazing girlfriend has written this post today and I'm gonna link her blog and YouTube channel below the actual article. Go check out her blog and her YouTube channel and subscribe to both!

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Do you ever wonder when your face to face with a two paths in life what will happen when you take the path less traveled? Does it make all of the difference? 

I have found myself wondering that a lot lately because I am the creative type and am currently looking to get into the acting field. Acting is not described as a typical job, so when someone hears you say that you want to pursue acting, they tell you that you can't do that. 

That there, ladies and gentlemen, is a critic. They are the nay sayers. These are the people who keep you from living your life if you choose to listen to what they say.  The choice to go against the grain is what seperates the dreamers from everyone else. 

You may be wondering, well what exactly is a dreamer? 

Well, a dreamer is someone that is in a certain career field such as the arts and they simply do not listen to what the critics say and they keep focusing on bettering their craft. 

Dreamers never know when to quit or throw in the towel.  A lot of dreamers never have a plan B because their current plan is their only plan.

Now, don't get me wrong the dreamers have a lot of fear and anxiety just like anyone else that worries about the future and what it holds. But walking the path of a dreamer is uncertain and it's a life where anything can happen. 
Even after all of those times that a dreamer has failed, suddenly there's a positive event that happens and that's makes it all worth it in the end. 
If we as dreamers , hold onto those sudden glimmers of hope, it always makes it easier to think of those when we are down on our luck.   

Walking along this path is not an easy one, but if we don't take this shot at this life that we sacrifice for and dream of than what are we left with? Regret. 
If we simply give up our dreams we will only live a life that is built upon lies and pretending we are happy with our existence instead of being people who truly love what we do. When we are meant to do something in this life there is no control over it- it's our destiny.  We simply find what we love to do and we let it consume us from the inside out.  
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Amazing read, right? Well her links are as follows:
YouTube – Edith Jones
Blog- Edith Jones

And as always my links are:
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Lots of unicorn love and have a magical day/night/whatever it is where you are!
-R 🥄🦄

My road to stepping out of my comfort zone

Comfort zones. They can be life savors when you live with anxiety but they can also hold you back from making true and honest steps towards happiness.
I am sitting on a greyhound bus, cramped and needing to pee, headed south on I-95 with my comfort zone so far in my rear view mirror that it’s ridiculous. Am I freaking out? Yes. Am I doing something absolutely amazing and that needs to be done to snatch my life and my happiness back? Also yes. 

I am currently traveling to Myrtle Beach SC in order to spend 4 days with my beautiful girlfriend and I’m petrified. Why? I have an anxiety disorder and part of my living with this disorder is carving out a space in which I feel less anxious.

That space is my bedroom. In my bedroom, I’m completely comfortable. It’s been designed to be a space that is calm and safe. I have my coping items right there and I am able to use my other coping methods as needed. 

Now I have made a conscious decision to spend time away from all that in order to take this trip. It will either be a disaster as my anxiety says or a triumph towards slowly overcoming this fear. If I can make it through today, I’ve made a major step forward. 

This weekend will be a test of my ability to get out of my own head and take back what control my anxiety has stolen. It’s an excellent chance to not only step out of my comfort zone but to see if I am even able to with any degree of success.

It’s now just after 9pm at night and I only had a few minor problems with my anxiety manifesting throughout the day and evening and I am proud of myself for doing this so far.  Stepping out of the set boundaries I have for myself means I am willing to make the sacrifice to be happy. 

The next morning has arrived and i am pleasantly surprised at how my anxiety is slowly allowing me to thrive without the things that I have previously thought of as necessary.

Here’s hoping to a wonderful rest of the weekend! As always find me on your favorite social media sites. 

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Life Update: May & June edition

Life Update: May & June edition

Hello my rainbows! Hope you are all well!
There are 3 major points that have changed in the past two months: 

-Knee injury-

During the month of May I was preparing to move. Major stress and unfortunately I ended up injuring my knee severely. 

While packing, I bent over to pick up a box and I felt a sharp tear in my right knee. My knee cap lifted up and I screamed in pain. I spent the rest of May in agony. 

Turns out that I tore my lateral collateral ligament and have cartilage and gunk behind my knee cap now causing pain and a crunchy sound when I move my knee. I’m waiting on an MRI to confirm how bad my injury is and then I’m headed to an orthopedic surgeon to get it fixed. For now I’m stuck with my cane, a knee brace and Motrin. 

-I moved!-

I finally moved and I finally got unpacked and I’m almost completely settled in! The new house is beautiful and in a lovely little neighborhood near downtown Fayetteville. It’s a quiet little suburb and we are all so happy here! I’m planning a little flower garden for the front yard and I’m so excited! 

-New love!-

I met a wonderful woman a few weeks ago and it’s going really well. We are officially dating and I’m planning a trip down to South Carolina, where she lives, to see her on July 7th. 

Her name is Edith and she will be writing a guest blog spot for me next month. Very exciting! 

Okay babes! That’s all for this update! As always, find my links for social media down below! Hope to see you next time! 

Love hugs and unicorn magic! 

❤️ -R 

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Weirdo

Something a bit different for y’all this week my loves- A poem! 

I remember the first time I was called a weirdo. The words stung like a knife. Why am I weird? I asked the mirror everyday with tears streaming down my face. 
I grew up with that label, recoiling in shame whenever it was used. I tried without success to Change myself into what they wanted to remove it. 
I slowly learned that doing this meant that I was giving up my choice and voice. I was becoming what society wanted me to be but not who I wanted to be. 

What makes me a weirdo?

I am a unique individual who breathes and screams and crys and bleeds. Who loves and needs to be loved. Someone Who is perfectly imperfect, who has flaws and is okay with them. I can see the beauty in the simple things and the love found in being honest. I dare to think for myself and stand up for what I believe in and this all makes me a weirdo. 

So Weirdo isn’t an insult to me anymore. I own the label as someone who is unique. I don’t fit into their cookie cutters and wasn’t stamped out by the dozen. Well I am happy to be a weirdo! I will continue to be one and wear the label with pride! 

If to loose this label means I must be who everyone else is then I guess I will remain a weirdo until I draw my last breath.

Until next time! 🥄🦄

Facebook: spooniecorn writes

Stress, Anxiety & Candy Crush

Stress, Anxiety & Candy Crush

It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it. 

                -Lou Holtz

Hi All! 

I hope spring is treating you well! North Carolina has bloomed and the scenery is absolutely awash with color. It’s absolutely stunning to see the changes day to day and to see the life everywhere!

Looking out my front door has reminded me of something: Change is constantly happening all around us. 

Whether it’s in the scenery outside as spring approaches or in our lives and we need to deal with it. But I don’t like change. Change is stressful. Change is unknown. The Unknown is stressful. 

For me, Stress is incredibly difficult to deal with. I tend to take stress & ball up and shove it deep down- Sorta to that spot where you develop heartburn- and I leave it there until it bubbles up and over like some 3rd grade, reject volcano from the school science fair and I explode. It’s not pretty. 

When I get stressed, my mind races a million miles a minute and I can’t focus on a single thing for more than a second before it pings to the next item- I call it “ping pong brain.” This rapid thought switching is incredibly overwhelming and is a symptom of the overwhelming anxiety that a great deal of stress brings. That is ultimately the real problem with my stress: Anxiety

And this is where I discovered something absolutely fascinating. 

I frequently read science articles and these articles often discuss new theories and studies. One study that was being conducted was using video games to reduce psychiatric symptoms in patients. One part that I found particularly interesting was using puzzle matching games to treat anxiety. One game in particular was mentioned in the article: Candy Crush. 

Well I hopped over to the App Store figuring I had nothing to loose since I already enjoyed playing candy crush before and downloaded the app. I promised myself the next time I felt anxious or ping pong-y I would try to play the game as the article stated the subjects did. 

It wasn’t long before life made my anxiety creep up and my mind went to ping and pong.  I tapped the app and started to concentrate on matching the brightly colored little candies. I was able to focus a lot better than I thought I would be. I actually made it through 14 levels before I realized it and I looked up and 35 minutes had passed. 

It worked. 

So I tested the theory out a few other times and it kept working. I was amazed. I even stopped myself from going full melt down in Walmart. Major win. 

It’s not the most ideal thing- that would be no anxiety and no stress… but I have anxiety and I have a life so I have stress and I have a way to sorta deal with it which is kinda working. 

It’s my pressure valve. 

Until next time my lovelies! 

-Rachel🥄🦄

Don’t forget to follow me on all the social media sites! 

instagram: @spooniecorn

Twitter: @Spooniecorn

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Hope is powerful. 

Hope is powerful. 

I wrote a blog post a few years back titled “hope, the double edged sword” and it was quite true to where I was in my life at that point. I was sick of trying to remain hopeful. I was sick of clutching onto the last shreds of my old life and trying to remain hopeful that I could be her again. Because I couldn’t. 

That life died when I got sick. That Rachel curled up and died a long damn time ago but, like a phoenix, my old self was consumed in the fire and from the ashes of my former self I was born again – stronger, wiser and a whole lot better for having gone through these past four years. 

Sometimes all I have had was hope. When the doctors haven’t had an answer I only had hope. When test resting came back within normal limits but I still felt ill I still had hope. When I was crying and having anxiety attacks, I still held onto hope that one day it wouldn’t be like that every night. 
Hope was so vital to my survival and to me as I have rebuilt my life slowly over the last 6 months. 

And now as I’m standing at the beginning of a journey I am even more hopeful. 

I have a job prospect in my future that could give myself financial security and stability. I have a road trip cross country with friends in the works. I am spending time with friends and socializing on a regular basis. 

And I have hope for everyone who reads this. And in these difficult times remember the words of Gandhi: “You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.”

Much love my friends. 

Also, Don’t forget to follow me on social media: 
Twitter: @pawzofluv 

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Update on my mental illness journey 

Update on my mental illness journey 

I’m posting this update on my mental illness journey on the day of my third psych and therapy appointments. I’ve officially been in treatment for 3 months today and I’ve been sober for 5 months today.I’ve been very open in the struggles during the past year as I’ve dealt with my mental illnesses. I have always felt that people need to talk openly about mental health issues to help normalize them and remove the stigma surrounding the mentally ill and the treatments we receive to deal with them.

This time last year my life was in shambles. I was drinking heavily every day; my depression and anxiety were out of control and I was hearing voices. I would frequently fly into rages and end up throwing things while screaming and crying. Daily arguments were my normal. I was considering self-harm again even though I have 7 years clean. I was headed down a dark path and I knew I needed help.

I started the anti-psychotic Latuda in March by my PCP and began looking for a psych doctor in my town shortly after for specialized care. I was wait listed by several clinics so my only option was to suffer or go to the ER if I went into crisis- which I did several times over the summer. I sent the nights sitting up hallucinating and quickly cycling through bipolar highs and lows. My anxiety became crippling. I no longer found joy in anything.

My youngest baby was born in May and was brought home early June. By this point I was struggling to find a reason to keep going but when my god mom put that little ball of fluff in my arms that day I suddenly found a reason to hang on. Sometimes you don’t want to continue to fight for yourself. You need someone else to make you keep fighting. I went to the emergency room the next week and was evaluated. My Latuda was increased and after a few days I started to feel a bit of peace.

My peace was short lived however and I was quickly back in crisis and in desperate need of a permanent doctor. I called every clinic in a 50-mile radius. It took until November to find an opening for a doctor and therapist but the wait was well worth the wait.

My first appointment was November 2nd. I was started on a combination of 3 different medications: Lexapro, Buspirone and Abilify. when I went back for my second appointment a few weeks later, we started playing switch-a-pill. that’s the game you play with your psychiatrist when you are trying to get your medication cocktail just right. It can be a long game and full of so many wrong tries before you get to something that helps.

We ended up switching the Abilify for Seroquel and I spent an hour trying to not cry as I talked about my biological father who abused me and the family who disowned me for being gay.

I am not a fan of having to sit in that chair for an hour and talk to my therapist. I never have liked to be vulnerable to people and having to open myself up to a stranger feels so foreign. People keep telling me that it gets easier but I just don’t know if it ever will for me.

The differences between last year and this year are night and day: I’m finally sleeping again and I’ve noticed quite a difference in the number of manic episodes that I used to experience. I’ve stared exercising regularly and I’m sticking to a consistent writing schedule. I no longer have daily arguments with my family and I have even opened my mind up to the possibility of dating again if I were to find the right girl. I am outgoing and social with friends again and no longer blow off plans like I did in the past.

I still have bad days and my meds aren’t quite there yet but it’s a start. I know that I can’t cure my mental illnesses but I’m taking the necessary steps to better manage them. I’m so looking forward to finishing getting my mental illnesses under control and regaining my life again.

 Remember to follow along on my social media:

Instagram:

@spooniecorn_writes

@Spooniecorn

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