My life has been a roller coaster of emotion the last few weeks of 2017 and the first bit of 2018 & taking the time to sit down and write this blog… taking the time to deal and process these emotions…I’ve cried the most cleansing tears ever.
In December, my mom started experiencing extremely low blood sugars. I’m talking 20s and teens here. This triggered a month long health scare that had her spending Christmas and New Years in the hospital. She would get discharged for no more than a day before being rushed back to the hospital by ambulance. The horror ended with her, in early January, being admitted to C-ICU with a breathing tube for 5 days and waking up with brain damage.
The feeling of not knowing if my mom would even wake up and sitting at her bedside trying to figure out how to say goodbye to her was so painful. And then she woke up and she didn’t know who I was. And I was broken even worse because my mom was still here yet gone from me all at the same time. I remember sobbing violently on the way home, tears falling faster than I could wipe them. Over the next few days she made gradual improvement and was sent home and the real challenge began.
She has been confused and it’s been stressful as fuck when she doesn’t know what’s going on. But around the furbabies she gets that glimmer of her old self back and it’s wonderful but I’m so heartbroken still because I can’t talk to her like I used to. I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve lost the one person who knew me better than I knew myself and I don’t understand how I’m supposed to go on from that loss. It’s a loss that I’m not sure how to cope with because the person I lost is still here.
February has been better. I adopted two rats, Princess Leia and Primrose Everdeen. They are twin 3 month old hooded rats and they are absolutely amazing. Leia is adventurous and bold while Prim is soft, sweet and cuddly. They have brought so much joy into my life.
I’m under so much stress stepping up and taking on the head of household role while also being a caretaker and a chronically ill and mentally ill person. I’m always so tired and I’m so much pain but there’s always something to do.
February is also the time when I would be celebrating my care Bear’s first birthday this month if he hadn’t passed last July and that’s weighing on me particularly heavily right now. I still miss him so much. I’m planning a memorial tattoo of his paw print on the day he died- July 8th.
Health wise, I’m undergoing testing for damage to my liver, pancreas and heart during the month of March and I’m so nervous about it to be completely honest. My doctor changed my depression meds and anxiety meds so I’m not a weepy emotional mess… well 90% of the time that is.
Right now, it’s 3:33am. The house is quiet, I’m sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee and listening to the silence and the calm around me with only the gentle tap of my laptop keys to break the quiet. It’s moments like this, that have helped me stay sane in the last few weeks.
Hope you all have a fabulous day/night/whatever wherever you are.
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